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On a bitterly cold morning, the Geese assembled outside the Anchor Pub to await their mini-bus journey to St Albans – venue for the Junior County Cup match against London Road Reserves. It was a relief that every player managed to arrive on time, as many were believed not to have remembered their previous meeting here – still ‘under the effects’ after the night of fun, frolics and bat piss that preceded the victory in the previous round.
With Paul Cully absent and the Geese forced to change their kit, it could be said that the Geese were barely recognisable as they prepared for the game in a changing room that resembled a broom cupboard. Familiarity was soon restored however, as Paul Cully, on a scouting mission in Italy, explained his tactics via a video link remarkably resembling a Dictaphone. The instructions were simple and came in the form of points one to ten – most notably the point requesting more effort from Paul Dodd, whose goal scoring record had been disappointing, averaging roughly 2 goals every game. Paul had hit the proverbial nail on the proverbial ducks back but had avoided spoiling the proverbial broth.
As the Geese exited the changing rooms they found themselves back on the mini-bus; having to drive to the pitch. You don’t get that at Goffs Lane, oh no – take me home, we sang.
Pitch side, it was clear that Jack Frost had been busy. As the referee, busy putting the corner flags out and asking if we were the away side (to become clearer later on), confirmed, only the substantial grass cover prevented the game from being postponed. With Enefer, Cedrone, M Cully, Castiglione, Wicks and Adamson all unavailable, the Geese were stripped bear in front of their expectant fans but the remaining squad members prepared for battle. The injured Enefer was still of use however, offering the players a free leg waxing with the fluorescent duck tape that he had ‘acquired’.
As the game began it became clear that London Road Reserves would give anything to win this tie. Which, given the laughable state of their fans, estate and faces, isn’t really saying much – there wasn’t much to give. After 5 minutes, the smog from the nearby gas explosion was cause for concern – the game going against the advice of staying indoors and not exercising in the smoke. However, when the side noticed that Vullo’s fresh Reyes look-alike face had been unaffected; all fears of damage to skin and facial features were forgotten. Everyone rejoiced; with the exception of Brett – his search for the girl with no face goes on.
Nearly ten minutes in, and it is fair to say that nothing much had really happened. LRR came closer to threatening the Geese than the goal, appearing to take the name of London Buses with the lateness of their tackles - the worst incident resulting in a kick to Cully’s face after comfortably claiming a through ball 5 minutes before their number 9 came through and kicked him in the face. Cully shook off the injury, reminded the home supporters that he was wearing the number 1 shirt (using his middle finger) and marched back into battle.
As the game developed into a scrap, both sides prodded and poked but without any real penetration. There was no shortage of effort though, Vullo typifying the work rate by charging 30 yards to prevent an LRR throw in deep inside his own half; the fact that he had to concede a corner to achieve this was irrelevant – well done Vullo.
5 minutes later an innocuous attack from the LRR left resulted in a penalty – Perry penalised for leaning into the ball with his arm; a harsh award at best. As the LRR forward stepped up, he clearly looked nervous at the thought of facing Cully – saver of three penalties this year – and duly struck his kick against the post. The Geese survived.
The ball was now pinging round quicker than the golden tickets in the dome of the crystal maze, and it no coincidence that experienced ticket collector Martin Belsey, was the man to seize the initiative and turn the game. As the Geese moved forward, Belsey charged in to win a loose ball before looping his shot over the goalkeeper and into the bottom left hand corner. Belsey turned and celebrated in a Henry like fashion – moody face and slow jog back. In fact, to the casual observer, it may have appeared that he didn’t realise he scored – but we know he wouldn’t be that stupid, don’t we.
So, one-nil to the Geese and a renewed vigour was evidently present. The game was still as entertaining as watching Everton, and no football was really being played. As the half progressed it was LRR who had the better of the possession, but their obvious lack of intelligence (we counted an approximate 3 brain cells between the entire team) led to limited chances. The most interesting part of the first half seemed to be the LRR side’s continual reference to the referee as ‘Bestie’. The Geese deduced that the referee and the opposition were actually close friends – a classic case of detective work from us, despite LRR using their intelligence to hide the fact.
With less than 15 minutes of the half remaining, LRR struck. A through ball found its way to an advancing midfielder who tucked the ball home for an equaliser - 1-1. This set-back inspired a positive reaction from the Geese, and with good runs from the younger Norris and Musk, some of the pressure that the back-line had experienced was lifted. Football began to be played, and after a couple of near misses, it was time for the Geese to crap on the LRR dirt below them.
P. Dodd received the ball just inside the LRR half, and as he turned, swiveled and played a through ball to Brett, he also managed to remove his shoulder from his socket – a party trick that he has come to perfect in recent weeks. While he showed off his arm to the crowd, Brett ran towards the goalkeepers right, gave himself the angle and fired (in a similar way to a snail, ‘firing’ himself forward) past the keeper into the bottom corner.
2-1 to the Geese and a solid performance going into half time – two sparks of quality from Norris and Belsey were the highlights of a dull first half. At half time, Matt Cully was replaced by semi-injured Chris Cedrone – Cully looking like he had come off worse in a battle with a tikka masala.
In the second half LRR raised their game – and when I say raised, I mean became more violent. It was rough challenges and off the ball incidents a go-go and the Geese did well to retain composure and battle on.
However, on the hour mark a carbon copy of the first goal saw LRR score their equaliser, a well taken strike from the same player. At this moment, the Geese faded both physically and mentally, and it wasn’t long before LRR’s pressure, now constant, paid off with another goal – courtesy of their centre half’s headed goal from an out swinging corner.
Now 3-2 down, the Geese seemed dispirited, as the game fell back into its poor rhythm. Each attempt to get the ball down and play was met with bad fouls and off-the-ball antics from an LRR side clearly trained in the art of intimidating opponents – most notably a blatant knee into Cedrone’s head. From their attitude it would seem fair to suggest that this tactic may have been worked on during time spent in prison – and the Geese were sure not to test this theory in the post match showers.
As the game moved towards its final moments, C. Norris was moved up field, and whilst the Geese pressed for an equaliser they were caught on the counter attack on a number occasions. The game turned into a classic case of kick and run, but unfortunately the Geese could not find the killer ball that would take them into extra time.
As the final whistle sounded, it was like a scene from a doll office on pay day – with LRR rejoicing. The Geese had been eliminated, albeit after a brave performance against a side well practiced in the art of fouling and making friends with the referee.
A brief discussion with the referee concluded that the referee had believed the three deliberate kicks to be accidental – an easy mistake to make… if you happen to be blind. However, with the game over, it was time for the Geese to re-board their minibus and head home; raising spirits as they went.
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